Professional Edge Podcast
Sue Morem is a career expert. Listen and get the the professional edge in the one activity that takes up most of your week – your job.

Sex And The Office

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Written by Susan Morem, author of 101 Tips for Graduates, How to Gain the Professional Edge, Second Edition, and How to Get a Job and Keep It

Thinking of getting a Valentine for that cute guy or gal at work? Nice thought, but Sue Morem says not so fast. What's OK with your friends may not be appropriate with your co-workers—especially with people of the opposite sex. But is it about the sex?

(Sue) A man sees a woman struggling to put her coat on and gently helps her... then holds the door open for as they exit. They make eye contact and he holds his gaze. Sound romantic? But it's not a date. It's at the office. Is that appropriate? That's the topic of an email question that I'll answer next.

(Sue) When I first started writing my column…question from gentlemen, didn’t know how to act around women, so started avoiding women because so afraid. So my response – what are you so afraid of. Treat women with respect , treat everyone with respect, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I was totally unprepared for the volume of mail and responses I had in response to that column. The women all wrote in and said right on, that’s all we want, treat us equally, treat us with respect. And the men were furious with me, they were outraged. They said you don’t know what you’re talking about, we do walk on egg shells. We’re so afraid of lawsuits slapped on us for doing or saying the wrong thing and that even led to other columns, so I found very early on there are still challenges among men and women, especially men about he’s supposed to act around women at work.

(Demae) From the male’s point of view, what they think is normal respectful conversation amongst each other a woman may take offensively. So they may think they’re treating a woman equally. And in fact in their mind they are but just different gender understanding of how things worded or said or how they communicate to each other.

(Sue) It’s true, but Both men and women have to realize that all the things that works outside the workplace don’t work there. So it kind of goes back to this generic appropriateness in the office or work environment that we have to be respectful of where we are that certain jokes or comments may be offensive to other people where it may not in another situation.

(Demae) What about a man holding a door open for a woman in the workplace…if want to be treated equally should a man not do that in the workplace…like they would on a date.

(Sue) Right, and the thing I always tell people (not dating women at work, not like open door, put on coat for her, pull out chair, etc. all of that nice and lovely to do if it’s easy to do that, if see them struggling, help them, if first at elevator and want to hold do it…)my rule of thumb is don’t do it because they’re a woman or a man, do it because you would do it for anyone to be polite and nice.

(Demae) Right because you don’t want to create a sterile environment where no one can do anything and everybody’s walking like a robot fearful of everybody feeling offensive.

(Sue) Right and it doesn’t have to be that way - it’s about treating people respectfully, nicely – treating everyone with respect. What I’ve notice is there are some men who are still very uncomfortable with women and so they avoid looking at the woman.,..or speak to the guys and not include the woman with their eyes or body language in a conversation. You know these are things that can be very offensive to a woman. So you have to be really no matter where your comfort level is, work on including everybody whether they’re male or female.

(Demae) What about some things or mistakes some women make? I mean, I’ve seen situations where she’s trying too hard to be like the man that she puts the man down or overrides him in some way.

(Sue) Women can try too hard and be very offensive also. Some women, I think the biggest mistake they make is they can act very female and helpless around men and they allow men to take this stronger stance and that’s really giving their own power away so you really don’t want to do that either.

(Sue) Okay Mike, I can see that that comment really got to you
(Demae) Mike’s our engineer and his eyes lit up with this, so I’m handing the Mike over to Mike.
(Mike) So I wanna know, I’m damned if I do, I’m damned when if I’m looking at a woman, correct?

(Sue) Well, I get where you’re coming from because there are ways you can look at a woman that will put her over – if you’re looking up or down or looking in the wrong place. You can look at her, but just look at her the way you do at men. When you look at men don’t you just look at their face when you have a conversation…(Demae chimes in w/chuckle) That seems kind of hard for some men, I’m sure (Sue, chuckling) You think that’s too hard

(Demae) I don’t know. It’s worse to not look at a woman than to look at her. But it’s worse to look at her chest than it is to look at her face.

(Mike) It always depends on how they’re dressed too. Some women are dressed to invite you to look at certain parts of their body.

(Sue) You are so right. I couldn’t agree with you more. The woman who has the… cleavage hanging out or the bra that shows every little something, I get that, it’s hard to avoid that, yeah so look! (All Laugh) She wants you to. So that’s a whole other segment in our other podcast for women about the image don’ts that you need to stick to

(Demae) Sue, what do you think about women holding a door open for a man?

(Sue) I think it’s lovely. I think if she’s there first…if I’m at door first, I’ll hold for man, men do it for me…I think it’s great, why shouldn’t she? The whole point is treat everyone respectfully, business boundaries, conversational boundaries, physical boundaries and respect those male or female. You don’t have to overfocus on anyone because of the sex that they are.

(Demae) And the bottom line is everyone should just be focused on their work.

(Sue) Well, it’s true. But we can’t ignore the people and the relationship aspect of work either. And that’s what makes it so tricky. Because we do get involved with people. And we have fun. We go out for happy hour afterwards and we get casual and cozy and fun and it’s very natural for people to get comfortable with each other and act in ways that maybe aren’t in ways, quote/unquote, professional.

(Sue) And I think the wrap up here basically is that it isn’t about the sex. Period.
(Demae) Don’t say period. (Lots of laughter)

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